Baby #3

I've been putting this post off because... well, when it comes to pregnancies I'm a pessimist. I hate being that way. I try to stay positive. I try to think really good thoughts. But five miscarriages will do that to ya I guess. I'm 16 weeks today. We find out the sex of our baby on Tuesday. I still get nervous about myriad of things pregnancy-related, but for the most part I'm past the pessimistic first trimester. So, for my blogging purposes, let's go back to the day I found out I was pregnant... or maybe the week before. See, I knew my sister and brother in law were trying to have a baby. I wanted them to have a baby. And we most definitely did NOT want a baby. So we were really using birth control, I swear. And my husband just lost his job. We were trying NOT to get pregnant! So, women understand when you go on a vacation and there could be an unexpected (or more so unwanted) visitor, you prepare by packing a thousand extra things for your trip. As did I when we were going to Branson and Oklahoma City to visit family. The whole week, I was waiting for it and thinking oh man, this is nice, I hope I go the whole vacation like this! But a week passed. And when we got back home and I was unpacking all of the extra items... I realized I was freaking myself out about another unexpected visitor. Since I had an extra pregnancy test lying around, I figured well, I'll just take it, see I'm not pregnant, relax and be on my way. Andrew was downstairs, the girls were playing and I was unpacking. Brushing my teeth, I glanced at the test... and about choked because I gasped in a ton of foamy toothpaste (sick!). PREGNANT. (I love digital tests.) I think I stared at that test for about 5 minutes, thousands of thoughts racing through my head. We don't have jobs. My sister had just told us she was pregnant. I'm pretty sure we were due close to each other. Why did this happen?! HOW did this happen?! When Andrew came upstairs, I shoved the test in his face and said, "Look. Just look at this." He smiled. I wanted to punch him. I burst into tears. I was more upset that I was upset. Hello, FIVE losses?! Remember those? Why are we upset about a baby? (Which, by the way, is pretty much what Andrew said to me. And he was right.) After a few days of feeling like I was walking around in a fog, the shock wore off and started to get excited. Which was the same time I started to get nervous. And think horrible thoughts. I was SO scared. So scared that I'd get excited and happy about the baby to just lose it. Andrew found the heartbeat on our home doppler right at 10 weeks. Then we didn't hear the heartbeat for another 3, which didn't help my nervous out. At my first appointment at Barnes, at 13 weeks, I saw the baby for a few seconds, enough to reassure me for a bit. Then Andrew and I finally found the heartbeat again on our Doppler, a few times. And I think I'm starting to feel some movement. Which doesn't matter how often or how many times I've felt that, it always makes me happy and smile. So, yeah, that was how we found out about our unexpected baby #3. Which I have no doubt in my mind was not an accident, but purposeful. A baby with special things ahead of his/her life. (Speaking of his or her, I really could see myself with 3 girls. But I also really want a boy. I feel like I have a feeling it's a boy, but that could just be wishful thinking. Tuesday, come fast.)